Just Thoughts-I

I don't really know what to name this blog. All I can say is that this one is very deep. I have been traveling a lot lately. First I went to Mumbai to get the forms of colleges, then I also brought my cousin with me since her vacations were also starting. Another relative joined us from Ahmedabad and they spent two days at our home. Then we went to Rajkot to meet another relative who had shifted from Veraval recently, came back in two days and then went back to Mumbai to leave my cousin and also submit my forms. It was a mixed week. I enjoy the company of my cousin from Mumbai, and also the cousins from Rajkot. All of us have been close since a very young age.
I know how before anyone came to my place my mom constantly kept telling every relative that how her children had cheated her and all of us were selfish and did not care. She used to have tears while talking on the phone, but I did not know what I could do. I remember telling my eldest sister that things were not going to change between my parents and me until they changed themselves. This is what has happened. Its really funny how so many of my predictions have come true. I remember people (and my mom) telling me how much my parents have done for me and the rest of us. They used to say that none of them have done for their own children. My first response used to be smiling in front of them, but inside all I could think was if my parents had asked me if what they had done helped me. I never said anything, just acknowledged but always felt that this would be disastrous. I remember telling ehr not to stay with me in Kota but she did. Everyone of my relative was like "Oh your mom has moved her house for you." and they congratulated my mom before me for my result. This was the moment when I snapped. I started keeping a distance from my parents, did not talk much on the phone and never did anything they said, even if that meant that I was ruining my career.
When I ran away from home, I thought probably my parents would change now. They only got another reason to hit back at me. When I started counselling, I thought they were going to look at their faults at least now. They never did. All they had was calling relatives and telling them that we had not paid back and were blaming them for the mistakes we made. I used to have sleepless nights, very bad dreams. Sometimes about killing myself but since I am not that strong enough, or rather I want to make a career so I thought of my mom dead. The only person I disclosed this was the counsellor, because she would have got my point. I wanted to get out of the shell. I was tired of being called a "mama's boy". Once in Veraval I hit a shot and a wire came down. Since I was a guest there, someone else got the scolding. Then my cousin told him that I had brought it down. He said "I am not going to tell him anything or his mom would come for me." I still remember how bad I felt.
I don't know how long this blog is going to be and I don't care who reads it. I am tired of running. Everyday I sit in "invisible" mode in gmail, so that I don't have to answer my friends as to why I ran away. Many times I think I made a mistake by leaving IIIT. But those were unavoidable circumstances. I know if I would have studied then would have scraped through, but someday the frustration would have been out. If not in college, then probably during work and I would have had a screwed up family life.
lately I have had such bad nightmares. I think one night I got the closest to thinking of killing myself, or my mom. How simple it sounds, how screwed I sound. I know how hard it is to maintain my confidence amongst people constantly accusing me. Everyday I hear how I have cheated my parents, how selfish I am, how I have "planned" the whole thing and how I hate my parents. My mom never tells all this to me directly, but she says it over the phone to her closest relatives. I remember how hurt I was when my cousin asked me if I was rude to my mom. I was surprised. I never uttered a word. When we were in mumbai my mom told my masi how I do not talk to her for a week. My masi asked me why, and all I could say was that things go mutual. I was hurt. It was my mom who had stopped talking to me. I also made tea for her, but she never accepted it. The whole blame was on me.
Everytime my mom gives confidence to one of my cousins, who failed in school about 2-3 times simply because he is aiming for an MBA. I am not. I want to become a journalist, a news reader in fact. Both him and I failed. My mom used to compare him with me everytime, but I am not jealous of him. I may be a bad son, or irresponsible but I never hurt anyone intentionally.
My cousin from Mumbai always tells me how she wants to be as fair as me. The first thing I do is smile. Many times I have tried to tell her that it is because of my fair skin that guys used to sexually abuse me in school. But I never have. We never get so serious face to face. I don;t think my prolems would ever end. My mom refuses to accept that she is in depression. She takes the irritation out at home, hurting everyone around her.
My cousin told me that I should give CET and after getting a good score, I could get in a good engineering college and then take it from there, just yesterday. I kept on thinking if mass media was a right choice. It too kme 10 minuted to realise that now I have set my aim and just work hard on it. I have a lot of distractions. Everything around me has fallen down, but I wanna stay tall. I know how much I love cricket and it was a big wish to play at a big level. I never had the guts to go for school selection even though I was praised by many teachers. I do not want to give up a chance on this. I know I would have to work a little harder, travel a lot as a journalist. But then, everyone has to. My dad came to Himatnagar with nothing. He was the first pediatrician here. Today every single person in the district knows him. He did it with hard-work. Even he struggled earlier on, but he is content now.
I have a lot to say, but nothing more comes to my head. Probably next blog.

Education In India

Lately I have been reading in the newspapers about the scam in medical colleges in Chennai. My first reaction was "Finally the agencies have found out". I come from a small town, but there are hundreds of doctors here. Most of them have sent there children abroad (USA) or have given hefty amount of donations to make their children doctors too. Such parents do not realize the capacity of their children and want them to follow their paths, since they think its the right one. Even my father is a doctor, but its good that he is not like them. He may have wished that I become a doctor and run his hospital, but he never forced or show that. Just a couple of months back I heard that someone gave up to 5 lakh donation to get his child a medical seat. Its really funny that such acts come from parents who are to set example for their children (and that too doctors!!).
It is very clear that our education system is in shambles. While we send many professionals abroad, they are the product of the top universities in out country or abroad. The level of education at the primary level is decreasing. This can be proved by the fact that students start taking tuition from 8th or 9th standard onwards. My cousins in Godhra are in 9th std. They leave for tuition at 5 am and are busy till mid-day. Then in the evening they go for tuition again and come back at night. This is their schedule in vacations. When I asked their parents as to why such a tight schedule, they said that since schools do not have proper teachers they complete their courses during vacations. When I was studying in Kota, I saw that fro mthe year onwards they would start preparing the students from 9th std onwards for IIT-JEE. I felt pity for those who were going to join so early. There was no need to prepare for an exam for 4 years.
So how do we better our standards with limited amount of resources, considering our country is not that rich.
Well, the answer has to be an efficient syllabus and the method of teaching. I believe that there should be a common board in the country. This is because students from different boards have different strong subjects and different weak. I did my 10th std from ICSE board, which has a strong english (we finished Julius Caesar!) but a weak hindi. On the other hand, CBSE board has a strong hindi but a weak english. I did my 11th and 12th from CBSE board and I found english really easy. I just had some stories to read! Then there are different boards in different states. While the students in south india have a better result, the western states fail misrably. Even the state boards of UP and Bihar are far better. The result is that students from Gujarat, Maharashtra and Rajasthan boards struggle when they are put with others. If we have a single syllabus in the entire counrty, which would mix the english of ICSE, hindi of CBSE and would be a combination of strong points of every board, the weak points would be eliminated. Of course, such a thing would require a lot planning but the results would be far much better.
The other thing could be the removal of reserved seats. While this clearly robs a deserving student, the "lower class" get undue benefits. Saint Xaviers is a Christian college, so it has 50% seats for Christians, then they have reservations for SC/ST and then the remaining for General category. This is bad. There is also a preference given to students from state boards, followed by CBSE from the state in which where the college is located. Under a common board and students getting admission only on merit, would not only mean that all students get in colleges but it would be fair.
The other change to be brought is in the syllabus. While our education has a focus on learning things by heart, this is never useful. The big colleges, namely the IITs and IIMs, have their entrance examination testing a student's basic concepts. Students need to be taken on trips and lessons of science cannot be confined to classrooms. I remember having a biology teacher in school who only made us mark the "important" things. He was so soft spoken that we (back-benchers) could not even hear his voice. Every class, me and my partner we used to look at his bald head and laugh. Sometimes he punished us but then, that seemed better then marking things. The CBSE english is too simple. Students, by 9th or 10th need to take up higher books, probably Shakespeare along with short stories and poems. This does not even happen in 12th. This could be difficult to implement since only a handful teachers can teach Shakespearean english. My teacher in 10th ised to have a guide with him while teaching us. Since computer has become a necessity, students have to know a language by 10th (C language probably).
The standard of the teachers should be made better. Since english is the most widely-used language, teachers have to be made fluent in it. A scientist cannot necessarily be a good teacher, so teachers should be given training in interactions with students. I know in IIIT hyderabad the teachers are scientists, but their teaching makes everyone in class asleep. This should not be the case. Interest in subjects can only be aroused by teachers and failure to do so is doubting their ability to teach. Of course, in government schools and colleges the authorities have to see that the teachers attend classes, also not to mention that private tuition by them stopped.
The most important thing is to stop "selling" seats in schools and colleges. This can only be done by parents, since the authorities from bottom to top are all involved and will not act unless the media exposes it. Parents have to report such things to the cops, or simply refuse to take seats on money or influence. A good student would do well wherever he/she goes.
In the end, parents have to stop pressurising their children. Everyone knows that those who keeo their cool are the ones who stay on top. It is the pressure to perform well that leads to so many suicide cases during results. There are many colleges and everyone can get a seat.
One cna see that none of these results are related to money expenditure. They are basic changes that I feel could increase the output of good professionals in our country. The fact that big companies take professionals from India inspite of such faults shows the brilliance of our students. It is just a matter of increasing the quality by bringing some changes.

The Recovery

My recovery started when I started counseling. I was reluctant to do counseling earlier on when I got home, why I did not know then. Even I knew I wanted counseling, but since it was my mom suggesting me made me say no. My brother-in-law had a better way of explaining to me the need for counseling let me to change my decision. On my first day I did not say much. But then my test to a career counselor showed that an appropriate job would be technical (engineering). That is when I decided to talk about my life to the counselor.
I remember going to Ahmedabad on that very day, thinking as to how was I going to start. Will I cry in the middle and would I be able to say everything. But this nervousness vanished as soon as Ir eached there and started talking. I talked and talked and talked. Everything I had done, or had to do, everything that I could remember at that very moment, I said. I did not even know whe nthe one hour was up. She (counselor) told me that she would take my test the next time and then would talk to my parents. I said okay and left. Somehow I felt a little better. This was the beginning of a new me.
In the psychology test she took out a page and a pen and kept it in front of her. Then she took out some cards, or bigger than that and started showing them to me. She told me that I should tell her what I can see i nthe pictures and she would note them down. The pictures were nothing but dark shades. Some were orange, yello, gray and some black. It was like I had to spot a figure (or figures) in the drawings. Of course, you only see things the way you are. Probably this was what it shows. I gave the answers. Some to me were Transformers shapes, some weird aliens, some with mothers holding her child or strangling them, some with sexual body parts while some depicting fire (orange or yellow). She noted every observation down neatly, more than one in some while just one in others. She also suggested me some common suggestions and if I could spot them. Some I did, while some I did not. In the end, it was a very easy test I had given in the past one year. She gave me the date for the enxt meeting and told that she would meet my mom and dad too.
When she met my parents, she told them that I had mixed emotions. It is something I have explained in my previous blog. She also told them not to send me to any college right now and I should probably join some classes till the new session started. My sister was also with my parents and while I was out, she talked to them about many other things, probably the dos and donts at this stage.
Since then, for the next two weeks I had two sessions every week. I used to talk and talk. She used to ask me certain things and I answered them. She told me to write things down, namely if I ever felt angry or anything else and I could discuss it with her during our sessions. I started writing. I realized that after my session ended, I used to get angry at small things. I wanted silence and with my parents around, that was not possible. Sometimes they used to finish their work in Ahmedabad and pick me up. I used to get irritated at small things, but did not say much. My sister told me that this happened to her as well when she started counseling. She told me to meditate so that I could feel better. The counselor told me a method of meditating and I tried that.
The thing was, I was beginning to recognise my anger. My mom used to be rude sometimes and whenever I got angry, I wrote. I started thinking about every thing that happened to me in hostel. Every guy who had touched me, every place he had kissed or fondled me or made me do so, every embarassment, every face I started remembering. The more I thought, the more my blood used to boil. I felt like punching someone hard or cry and shout like a mad man or just throw glass around so that it would scatter and make noise. But I could not. I had people living with me. If even I did anything of that sort, it would make them worried. After all they had been through in the last one year, I did not want that. I remember once getting up at night and going to the room at the top floor to just cry and shout at the top of my voice. I could not. I came back and went back to bed. I tried to meditate, and wrote everyting that I was thinking and dozed off soon.
At the end of my first stage of counseling, I had let my anger out. The counselor had told me that the anger level had to be made from negative to neutral and thn to positive.
Soon the sessions came down to once a week. Now I was done whatever I had stuffed inside. Now I used to discuss the feelings I used to have. My dreams, my thoughts, things I liked and how they affected me. The people I had interacted, the ones I used to interact now and all that. I started having better sleep at night. I did get frustrated now, but after writing it down, I felt better. I also bought a punching bag which they use to tarin for boxing if I felt like punching sometime. Thankfully I have never used it. I still had a low self-esteem. Since my mom had been criticising me since childhood, I always thought that everyone around me would. This was one of the reasons why I used to be nervous in crowded places and usually made mistakes, which were met with more negative remarks.
Once I remmeber talking to the counselor about certain things I was. I talked for a while and when I was done, she aske dme what is it that I have been doing so far today. I thought, and a smile came on my face. All I had been doing was criticising myself. I was simply saying that I am not this and that, I cannot be this. She explained to me my high points. Sexually abused people always had trouble in studies and they were very violent. I was none. I was one of the top rankers and inspite of going through so much emotionally, yet being able to focus on my job was a high point. She told me I was fun to talk to, attractive and many things I had never thought (or rather, wanted to be). By the time I came out, I had a sense of confidence in me.
After that, smaller issues started being talked out. I had told my parents that I would do mass media and they were unhappy. I had a choice to make between BSc and mass media. I still had not made up my mind but always kept thinking about it. As time passed by, I realized that I was not the only one with issues, it was my mom, dad and my sister too. That probably made me happier beacuse since I had come back home, all I had heard from everyone was how I have betrayed my family and all. Now I felt that they had a part too, and that made me relieved a bit.
The counselor also met my parents a few times but they were not ready to admit their faults, hence did not like her. They still think that everything is my fault, but I don't really care. I am much better equipped now to handle their criticisms and I do not let that lower my self-esteem and confidence.
Soon now I was sorting the smaller issues out with the counselor. Then there were times when I never had much to talk about, so the sessions came down to once in 2 weeks. Meanwhile I had my french classes, guitar lessons and I also indulged myself in books. I tried to use my time as well as I could. I also staretd going to the gym, and enjoyed it. A better body is another confidence booster. I am no more a "fat-ass" like in school nor so thin that people barely see me when around. Sometimes there was a frustration because I had months left before I could get back to normal life, but I knew that when I would be ready, I would be someone better and more responsible.
My family still doubts me. They still tell me that I cheated them and my mom seems like is never going to forgive me. But all that does not matter anymore. I made mistakes because I was a different person then. I had a hatred for my family and hurting them gave me pleasure. I had an anger inside me, waiting to get out. It had to be out sometime. If it had not been out in college, then later on in my life. I have nothing against any of the guys who used me. I no more think that I am a waste nor is my life is being controlled by others.
Even today my parents think that I have cheated them, but what they do not realize is that even they had a role to play in it. How can they, while I have done counseling and know myself better, they have not. I feel pity for them but then, only they can help themselves.
This is the end of my eloping from home blogs. I am all set to start a new life, an independent and a much better one.

The Problem

As I have been saying, I had many unanswered questions and I wanted answers. I had eight months before a new session would have started and I did not want to join any college at the moment. My parents wanted me to join some college in Udaipur on donation, but I have been against donation. I started counseling and and she advised my parents not to send me to any college right now. This did cause some frustration to my mom, but I was happy. I was not okay and I knew that if I joined any college right now, I would screw up worse than before.
I started counseling in January. I remember the date since I started writing about my feelings and the happenings around me that affected me, which were then discussed with the counselor. As more and more sessions passed by I got to not only know myself better, but also felt confident.
I had made many mistakes that which were not expected from a person like me. I had never opened my books in the first year, wasted my time, had started drinking, did not tell my parents that I had failed and could never recover after going back and then, ran away. These were huge mistakes and I had some serious thinking to do. But I never thought that all was my fault and wanted peace in my mind.
The problem started long time back during my childhood. I had very embarrassing moments in my childhood, followed my some sexual abuse in hostels and the bad family situation. I had been carrying the frustration of all these inside and never talked about it to anyone, because I never trusted anyone. These frustrations came out in the form of anger on other people, and myself too.
While the sexual abuse in hostels and the embarrassments are something I cannot talk about here, all I could say is that all my experiences made me quiet in front of my family. I never shared anything with them. Even my mom's highly negative nature, which hurt my confidence was also something I wanted to escape when I ran away. I could not even remember when was the last time my father had sat with me and talked to me. He was always busy, while my sisters had constant fights with my mom which affected me (or rather, made me go into my shell further).
There was some fault of mine too in all this. But then, I was victim and just wanted another chance. When I started writing this blog, I thought that I would write everything, all the problems I had gone through. But I can't. I did take it as a challenge when my sister asked me to write what I had gone through, and I did write it. But now I can't since I am trying to get over everything.
The counselor told my parents that I was close to a mental breakdown. She also said that the emotions in me were all mixed up. It simply means that I could not recognize between right and wrong, anger and frustration, happiness, loneliness...everything. I used to be too insecure about myself, felt nervous in crowded places and was never sure about myself and my decisions. I was scared of leading or rather, failing. I used to be lost in the crowd, thought of myself as a person who can achieve nothing, but had big dreams. I remember telling my counselor how I wanted to do something after which people recognize me. It was all about low confidence, fighting for my identity and a better self esteem.
At a subconscious level, I tried to negate my parents. That was either by failing in my first year in college, or giving the professors a hard time in class. I saw my dad in every professor, one of those serious people whose children felt neglected while they used to be proud of their academic achievements.

Eloping From Home-The next morning

The next morning we were to wake up early since some 'guru' was to come. So we woke up at 5.30 am and after standing in front of the man for about 20 minutes I went back to sleep. Later I woke up and had my breakfast. It was a quiet morning as far as I remember. My parents called me and I talked to them for a while. Apart from that it was a lazy morning with no more surprises.
My parents arrived at around 11 am. I was taking a bath when they came. I did not want to face them, but had to come out of the bathroom. As soon as I came out, my other sister was standing in front of me asking me what happened. I did not say anything. Then my mom and dad came and hugged me then my mom went to the other room and hugged my masi and cried out loud. I sat down on the sofa after getting dressed, with my family's eyes following me. We had not spoken much since they had come, but that is how we had been as a family.
After getting dressed I sat down, with my mom at my right hand side, my dad on the left and my sister in front of me. They asked me what did I want to do. They were not really asking, but pleading and it brought me to tears. I told them that I did not know yet but roughly laid down my options. My sister told me about that good and bad things in each of them, bringing all the experience she had. Mom told me that we shall decide after going back home, and first we had to leave. Our train was to leave that very night. I wanted to stay longer, but knew that first I had to sort myself out, for the better and make myself a better person. There were a lot of unanswered questions, lot of doubts, lot of anger and I wanted everything to be clear before I started anything else.
As soon as my sister left the room, my mom quietly told me that I should say nothing in front of her. Of course, how could I forget that I was still a trump card in this war. My mom had my eldest sister on her side, the only person she was unsure was me. My dad never interfered in any matter regarding home. So if I was "taken over" my sister would be alone. It brought the anger back in me, "Would you let it go right now at least mom!" is what I thought but never said (like the many other things I wanted to but could not).
I went to wipe my tears off, thinking when was the last time I had cried. I remembered very well when I had made someone cry the last time. It had been one of my batchmates in Hyderabad, who had organised a singing competition amongst our own batchmates for fun. All of us went out and made a mess of it, not letting many people sing. I had been the one at the front (probably the only thing I was best at in college was troubling people) and he went away furiously and had cried in the room. One of them came to our room and told me how he had cried because of me. I had laughed, felt happy hearing this but defended myself by saying that this should have been expected. While going back, my cousin asked me if my parents had scolded me and I refused. She saw the tears (damn!).
I came back and dad was preparing for a bath. He was to go out in the afternoon and asked me if I wanted any clothes. I refused, "No dad no. I just want you to sit with me and talk to me like a friend. Talk to me anything apart from my studies since there are millions of other things in my life. Caring is not about good clothes, food and vacations." Of course, this came into my head, but never said it.
The rest of the afternoon was pretty normal except that my mom and my sister started fighting again with my masi siding my mom (of course). All this made me think if I had made the right decision by coming back. There was no change, no difference. All of them were the same, how could I be so stupid to think that my family would change. My cousin's elder sister got me into talking so that I don't focus on their fight. Sensible I thought, one of the people thinking that I have to be diverted from all this. I was not strong enough yet to bear everything at the same time.
In the end, I was still not happy. I was tired of running from myself so far. Everytime I had given myself a chance, a new place, a new location and new friends I had made a mess of myself. I had no reasons, but questions. I wanted them answered and I needed help. We left by the night train and arrived Ahmedabad early morning. From there we were to go to Himatnagar in my dad's car. I was "home".

Eloping from home-Coming back

As soon as I found a place to stay, I placed a call to the various contacts I had searched online who could give me a job at a call center. One of them gave me an appointment for Monday and the other one called me the very moment. I was glad to hear that. It was Saturday and I could not wait two days. I had to get a job now. So I took a local and left for the address that man had given it to me. It was probably evening and I reached there after an hour or so.
The man took me to a separate room and asked me to fill in a form where in which I was to give my details of experience and my education. It did not take long and after I was done he asked me as to what I knew about call centers. I told him the little I knew, which was to answer calls. He explained to me everything about call centers and what different fields I could go to. After that he asked me to say something about the latest movie that I had watched. I went on talking for a while. When I was done, he told me that I was too loud and that I had this Sindhi tone to the english I spoke. It hurt me, since I had always been a good english students but then, I was not as good as Americans (who were to hear me speak). He advised me to read an article or anything in a quiet room and hear as to where were the mistakes coming. He told me that if I felt ready then he could get me an interview on Monday. I agreed and then left.
I was now a bit worried. I had to wait till Monday. I was hungry. I had not eaten or even drank water since morning. I looked for a place where I could eat something. I could only find a shop where I had a cold drink and then left. I was walking towards the railway station and thinking. Did I make a mistake by running away? It was the first time I had asked myself. Probably the right question for me at that moment was "Did I make a mistake by choosing a call center as a job or would it have been better if I had looked for other options too?" I started feeling lonely. I was desperate to see a familiar face in the crowd. I kept thinking that maybe my cousin (living in Mumbai) or any of her friends who knew me, or ANYONE who knew would spot me and come to me. But that was not to happen. I took a ticket to my place back and waited for the train to come. There was still some times for the train to arrive. I sat at a bench. I kept thinking "Should I go back?" I felt so lost and alone. I wanted someone, anyone. I kept thinking if I loved my parents because of their money. I mean, I did not have enough, I had not eaten anything in the past two days exceot fora vada-pau. I had a cld drink or two in the past two days. I was tired, hungry and alone. I was not sure if I could get this job. Thats when I decided that I was going to pack my bags the next morning and go to my masi's house in Mulund.
By the time I reached my "home", it was dark and a weird feeling started devdloping in the stomach. I could not spend a night at this place. It did not have a proper bed and I wanted to eat! I called the person who had given me this room but he had left his cell at home and he was out. I called him about 10 times in probably 20 minutes. I wanted to talk to him about leaving the place and if he was going to give me the money back. I did not expect him to, but I would have settled for anything which included nothing. I placed a call to my cousin and asked her how mom dad were. She said she did not know as they were not here and I told her that I was coming back. I took all my luggage, this time without any helper I was dragging them out. I took an auto and gave him the address.
It was around 9 pm when I reached my masi's place in Mulund. They were all relieved to see me. My masi had been out at that time but she called me and talked to me. My parents called me too and told me that they were going to reach there by morning. My sister from the US also called and told me to relax and not to worry. I was relieved. I was served some dinner, which I ate quickly (no wonder!). I don't know, but I wanted my parents to reach by afternoon the next day and not in the morning. I just, wanted time to answer their questions. At that time I did not know why had I taken such a major step. I did not know what was I going to tell them. But for the night, I did not have to think about all this. I was going to have a confortable bed (AC too!) and a proper dinner.
My cousin and her elder sister kept the talk casual. Probably they knew that I was confused too. My cousin was the closest I felt too, considering I had told her about my plans (obvious han). We talked for a while. Even my masi did not venture a lot but a chit chat kind of. Then my masi's husband took me for a walk. I knew that I would have a few questions to answer now. I remember telling him how I hated engineering and that I wanted to do something relalted to media. But I asked myself, who had stopped me! My parents had never pressurised me and yet, I did feel a pressure to choose science. Why, I did not know but I definitely had to think about it.
That night I showed my cousin the various photos we had clicked, and the clips we had made in college. I had all of them in my laptop. Both of us were laughing and joking as if nothing had happened. I forgot that I had a lot of music to face the next day, but did not think about it. When I was with her, I forgot everything. Sometimes I wondered if we were too close for cousins, and if there would be weird moments between us. But there were none simply because I was her brother and she my sister. We were close because both of us complimented each other well and we gelled well. Thats it. I wanted to stay longer to just take a break from everything in my head. The things I had, "Am I going to fail again?", "Do I love my parents?", "What do I like?" and "Am I nomal?". I wanted answers and I knew I could not find them with my family (then with whom?..another question!).
Finally when I showed her all my photos and clips, we went to sleep. It was probably one of the best sleeps I had ever had. But I knew that the road ahead was bumpy. There was relief that maybe my family would want to ask questions to themselves as to "How could I?!". I knew they were going to change the way they think towards me, and that in a way was a huge success for me. At that moment I did not realise that this was what I wanted.
What happened when my parents came in the morning, and the things after that shall be in the next blog. All I know is that I did not want to be the same person I had been all these years. I no more wanted to wear a mask of happiness when unhappy (just because the other would feel bad). I wanted to change, and I did for better.

Eloping from home-Searching for a home

I reached Mumbai in the morning at around 6.30 or 7 am. I took my luggage out and checked into a small hotel. I was in Sion. I had not been able to sleep the whole night, so dozed off in my room. I woke up at 10 am and after the first thing I did was to buy a new SIM card so that I could change my phone number. I did find some shops, but what I did not know was that to get a new phone number I had to have a driving license or my passport. At that moment, I had none. All I had as proof of my identity was my college ID card, which I had left. I could not switch on my cell phone because I knew that my family would try to contact me. Even though it switched on when it was in my bag at night, I switched it off quickly as soon as I realised it. I did read some messages by my mom that my dad was not well and they were all worried. But I was determined. I had heard a lot and now no heart-melting talk could melt mine.
I came back to my room and got dressed. At that moment, I was really nervous. I had never done anything crazy or well, anything like this. My family, friends everyone would have been so surprised by this step of mine. I left my room and went to look for places to stay. I had noted the addresses down and had a faint image of the map of Mumbai. So I first went to a place in Andheri. I could not afford a place with a rent of more then 2500 per month. I knew that a place in Andheri at this rate was very good.
I reached there in the afternoon and met the broker. I talked to him over the phone and had the impression that he must have been a pretty old man. But to my surprise, he was very young. It was close to the railway station. He came up to me and led me to the room.There were two rooms, small for 5 people, but big enough for 3. There were a total of 12-14 beds (don't remember exactly) with clothes all over the place (typical guy's place). I looked around and he showed me the bathrooms (there were 2). I kept thinking that I could not get a better place to start. We sat down to talk about other things, my background and the rent. I told him that my parents had passed away and I was here to start my own life. It pinched me a bit inside when I said those words ("my parents are dead") but then, this is what I had thought. I mean, I never wanted to kill them but always thought that my life would have been better if they were not there. I told him that I was looking for a call centre job. He bought the lie about my family(one of the many I had told in my life). We got down to talk about the rent. He told met that 2500 oer month was the rate, 2500 for the broker and 2 months rent in advance. So I had to pay him 7500 for now. I was surprised. I told him that only 2500 was written on the website but he denied that. I did not have time to argue with him, but think as to what would my next step be.
I did not have that much money. Since I had failed, my parents only put in 1000 per month in the ATM. Even if I had to go hungry or probably had to repair my watch, I always had to rely on my friends. It used to be embarassing, but I had amazing friends and they understood. If I paid 7500 right now, I would have NIL cash for the rest of the month. This was definitely not an option.
I told the broker that I could not pay that much right now and if he could be kind enough to reduce it. He asked me if I could pay 5000 right now and the rest later after I find a job. I said that I could not pay that too and if he could be satisfied with 2500 for this month. He was a bit reluctant and told me that he would give me a call later in the evening after consulting his boss. I told him that I had no number right now and that I shall give him a call back at 8 pm. He said okay and before leaving I told him that he tries his best to give me that place since I really liked it. I did not want to let this place go and I made that clear.
I visited two three more places. None of them met some basic standards and the rents were high too. Some had been taken. One of the brokers told me that I should contact him in the evening. Meantime, I also got worried. I did not have any other places since the rest had a rent more than 3000.
Anyways, while on my way back I came across an advertise at the railway platform. It had a phone number and was a place to rent. I quickly wrote the contact number down and left. I called that person and he told me to meet him the next day. I came back to my room late in the evening. I could have come back earlier but I forgot the address of my hotel and was just loitering around. By the time I was back my legs were paining really bad. I had not eaten anything the whole day except for a vada-pau. I was tired and hungry. I lied down for a while in the room and then went out to call the broker I had met at Andheri. I called him and he said that he could not convince his boss and a minimum of 5000 Rs. was required. I declined the offer and then placed a call to the person ad I saw at the railway platform. I told him that I shall be meeting him the enxt morning with my luggage. His rent was only 1200 Rs., which was very good for me.
The next morning I reached his place. I don't remember the area, but it was not the best (proably the worst in Mumbai). He took me to a building which where those servants live. People like auto-rickshaw drivers, 'lari-waala' people kind of place. I was stunned to say the least but knew that this was the only option I had. That man was also surprised to see me with so much luggage and took the smallest of bags to help me (bastard!). While he went to the room quickly, I had to climb stairs slowly since I had a huge bag with me. It was one of those Indians carry when they are leaving for USA, with all the pickles and snacks stuffed inside. I lost him half-way until some kids came and asked me if I was from America. They started opening the chain of my bag and I told them to back-off with a stern voice. I was surprised, I had never been so strict and harsh. He then came down and helped me take the bag up. When he opened the room, all my life came crashing down.
The room had nothing. No beds, no proper bathroom and water. He laid down a few mats so that I could sleep and told me that I should take the water from a tap at the ground floor of the building. The room was shabby to say the least. The bathroom had no lights and no proper running water. It was one of those we see at the bus-stops. I asked him about the other people staying there and he told me that they were all away. He said he did not know much about them and one of them worked with Sajid Nadiadwala's unit. I did not believe a word he said. I was very suspicious and after giving him 2 months advance (2400/-) he left and I started checking the room. I realised that there was nothing in that room that showed that someone else also lived. No tooth-brushes or clothes or anything. I got scared. I was also content that I had found a place to stay, shabby to say the least but at least there was one. I lied down and now could focus on the next aspect, a job.
If I was able to get a job or not and why did I return shall be written in the next blog, but at this stage I was a bit scared now. I realised that I had taken a huge step (first time, maybe a little late) and I did not want to go back. I had visions of my mom telling me how I had failed to make my own life by coming back and that was all it took to make me go on. This was only a start, I thought. Even Shahrukh Khan had spent one night at the railway platform when he was new. Everyone begins from scratch. But he had his friend. At this point, I felt very lonely and lost. Probably the first time had I thought of gaoing back. But I had my mom's visions again and that stopped me. I was scared and lonely but little excited and relieved too. There was no-one to tell me how careless or irresponsible I was, or rather make me feel that I was one. By being alone, and doing all this I felt that I can achieve anything I aimed for rather than feeling a good-for-nothing by the attittude of my parents towards me. This gave me the strength to go forward.